Saturday, 2 February 2013

Bloggers diary:Me,the rich lady & the fortune teller

So, yesterday, I went to the saloon to have my nails done.As a big gal,i decided to copy one Rihanna style like that.
  Since it was under the bridge in Ikeja,the area is prone to a lot of hawkers,and once in a while,one is bound to come across some great finds.
 There I was and this chocolate skinned lady stepped down from her Toyota Avensis,putting on a simple blue top and a black pair of jeans and medicated glasses.She wasn't the kind of beauty you'll see on the cover of a fashion magazine(she was a plain Jane),but she did have an amazing skin.

Everyone actually turned to stare at her.There was something very peculiar and likable about her.I just couldn't place it.
  So,as I took off my Versace shades(the real one..lol)to take a closer look at her,I noticed she wasn't putting on a wedding ring"

Oh she isn't married ,Lagos big gal or probably a rich heiress"I thought"Wondering where my thoughts were headed,she sat besides me ,broke the silence when she asked "How much do your shades cost"? Oh It was a gift I retorted" wishing for some unknown reason. I said"I bought it during my last shopping trip to London"(like most fake chicks would)..

"That's an expensive gift and the man who gave you must really like you". That statement took me aback" Why do you think its a man," I replied blushing..
She looked at me intensely for a moment and I thought to myself  ""Oh no!She does females"....she just smiled and turned to face the lady who was now cleaning her nails.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence between us and i yelped"Ouch" as the lady filing my nails mistakenly filed my skin. Everyone burst into laughter coz of the way I sounded"Awooosh"..lol..I definitely reminded them of Funke Akindele in her movie "Jenifa""...but trust me,when you experience pain like the one I felt,all your packaging go scatter...
 Out of the blue, a lanky  Hausa man wielding a bag walked up to us handing me a wrapped concoction Aunty buy am por this one,e go help am por the wound) buy this one,it will help heal the wound..I was infuriated and harshly told him "no".

He diverted his attention to a young Hausa boy close to me and said"Kana so buran tashi?In ka sha wanan,meche za su dinga kirn ka".(do you want penis enhancer,if you take it,girls will keep calling you.....This broke the ice and we(I & the ldy) lady burst into an uncontrolled fit of laughter...

"So you hear hausa"she asked with surprise.."Enough to know buran tashi means penis enhancer..lol" I replied.. Bad girl she said and tapped me..I smiled uncomfortably and pretended to look away.

The man who was looking at me, held out a pinch of the concoction to apply on my wound , I hesitated and she nudged me"common,don't be scared,its herbal and it does work. I've tried it before"..I reluctantly agreed and he rubbed it on the affected finger and as he promised,the pain stopped immediately  I smiled and said Na Gode(thank you). This elicited a smile from him as he realized I spoke Hausa.

He then asked me "bari in baki wone magani,in kin sha dey zuma,ke kira meje,komi dey ki na so,ze baki) Let me give you a medicine if you drink with honey,anything you want a man will give you..I was stunned and must confess,he caught my attention.

Before I could bring myself to reply,she asked"Kana da magani suyaya"?(do you have love portion)..he immideatly plunged his hand into his raffia bag and brought it out...

ahaha ba na son wannan,na yi anfani da shi ,na samu suyaya ama ba kudi (no i don't want this one,i used it and i found love but no money) I want the one that when men sleep with me,they will become my slaves
I was stunned"\ You mean you use these things?Like they really work"..She smiled and looked at me" Can we use Hausa please" Yes, I retorted and our conversation began...in hausa..but i'm writing in English for my non-Hausa speaking friends

"I am from the spirit world.You are too and I recognized it when I saw you.The difference is,you don't know and you don't know how to use your powers.
I discovered mine last year when I encountered one of these mallams,he gave me a love portion and I had several men chasing me,bowing at my feet.So I got tired of love and decided to go for the money spell.All I do is lick it with honey,call the man on the phone and all I want,i get. I don't need makeup,flashy dressings etc.Im just a plain simple girl
YOU'LL HAVE THE WORLD IN YOUR HANDS
There is just one rule, don't fall in love with any man,if you do,the consequence is great.""
"How do you know" I stammered"Coz I did and I can no longer have a baby.Luckily for me,i already had a son.
So, Emeh..I see the fire in your eyes,all you need is to try it out, and your life will change.

I stared at the man really hard and asked"Kana dey magani blogging"do you have blogging spell?lol
Haba ina da shi mana.blogging ba(yes I have it nah,blogging abi)..he said

At this point ,I started laughing real hard coz it hit me,he didn't even know what blogging was about...by then,he had wrapped one of the spells and in exchange for 3,500,he claimed it would open up her womb.
 She had finished making her nails and stood up..I see your a doubting Thomas but let me give you a tip,"ask yourself why I stepped into this place and everyone just turned to stare at me"

She said walking away ."Madam,she never pay you o"..I alerted the woman who made her nails"Na my correct customer,i like the girl well o.I do am for free for her"..

I turned back to look at her as she drove away,for a moment, I considered running after her to collect her number but thought against it.

So I hollered at the Hausa man who was reading the palms of some ladies....Mallam ka zo,ka na da maginin gobe....do you have medicine to see ..Yes he answered excitedly...To ka giya mini(ok,tell me)

You'll be rich,you'll be famous(check),you'll be powerful(check),you'll be married(uncheck,check), you'll have beautiful kids(check)

None of these prophesies told me about having a blog .....or my miss petite..
Giving him the sum of 1000 naira for his services..it didn't hurt to be told what I already know..I smiled to myself when I noticed his slippers was chopped."Oh shit! If he had the medicines for all these,how come he was still poor"..
I recalled"Welcome to Nigeria where a poor man claims to have books which makes one a millionaire in 1 week)lol

33 comments:

  1. Emeh,you are good.Bye

    ReplyDelete
  2. nice one as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hope u prayed very well 4 urself when u got home my dear? The world is full of evil.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kai babe!!u'r rily vain!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Emeh,U na d Bomb Pa.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow wow wOw,nice one miss p.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Emeh u are a good writer and I Luv ur stories but smtn tells me u made dis up sowi to say!! Still luv u tho as far as d stories are interestn

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is super story #singing high soprano#
    I was born in Kaduna (still there) but can't still
    speak hausa. What a shame
    shrek

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same here. So ashamed.

      Delete
  9. Lmao, Emeh ur so funny. A gifted writer I must say. Pls cover urslf with the blood of Jesus oo I dnt like that "ur from the spirit world ish"

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kai!!!!things r happening ooo,dis is serious!

    ReplyDelete
  11. WOW, nice nice piece,,,

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hahahah some1 help me stop laughing at 12am.this is so hilarious..everyline had me laughing"awoosh*

    ReplyDelete
  13. emeh haff killed me here....do you have blogging spell? and he said yes....Hilarious!. Nice write up ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lmao .... Hahahahahaha
    Emeh URE TALENTED!!! I love u babes!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Rotfl... Emeh na wao!!! Wonders shall never end! Men don suffer,they will ask a girl out and the next they've become her slave..I know a girl whom a married man bought a house for at lekki with a range rover sport..and am like she's not half as beautiful as I am.. I knew something was wrong somewhere, so this is what they do eh. Hmmm Emeh pls be careful o, lagos na wa!

    ReplyDelete
  16. The length some ladies go just to make money is incredible.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wowza!!!!!! Interesting one emeh,life teaching tinz..... Thank God the devil didn't steal ur hrt dat moment it just so easy dat moment..... God bless you :*

    ReplyDelete
  18. She copied it from punch newspaper! Dienska girl! Copy and paste cow

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. this Joan again?U never give up on your pathetic hate?Punch newspaper indeed.Bitch send the link and i'll help u bash emeh myself..till then,take your rotten heart out of this blog.
      EMEH..once again,you killed it.lmaoooo

      Delete
  19. Wows! Emeh y did u copy from punch!

    ReplyDelete
  20. you shud start writing short stories just like ur 1004 story. it was pepper spray not a gun it happend near cluster c. i was right there.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Mallama emeh an gashe ki. Sanu ki da kokeri, Ki na da hali ki na da kyau do ki sai na mutu wata rana. lol

    ReplyDelete
  22. My girl is good period! You rock Emeh

    http://frances-diaries.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ur Hausa spelling is rusty..lol

    ReplyDelete
  24. Great post. Ӏ wіll bе ԁealing with mаny of these issues as
    well..

    Also visit my websіte; haarausfall frau ab 40
    My website - haarausfall im herbst winter

    ReplyDelete
  25. First off I would like to say superb blog! I had a quick question which I'd like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clear your head before writing. I've had
    difficulty clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out.
    I truly do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like
    the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to be wasted simply
    just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or hints?
    Cheers!

    my blog post - descargar ares

    ReplyDelete

ALERT: Anonymous commenters,the comment verification is automatically set by google .It's the same on all blogs.To avoid it, kindly register with your gmail account.Thanks

Spread Love,Laughter, Ideas not Hate....

Contact me for Inquiries/Tipoff emepretty@gmail.com or Call 08095369321
Twitter-@misspetitenaija
Instagram-misspetitenaija

Stay updated! Download Miss Petite Nigeria App on Google Play.Merci